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Sunday, 27 February 2011

  • Miracles

    “Miracles happen to those who believe in them" ~Bernard Berenson

    I like this quote. It brings a sense of calm over me. I'd like to believe that God would send a miracle my way and help me. I don't wanna question God, but I can't help but wonder: Will a miracle happened to me? I mean, I do believe in God, and I do believe in miracles, but will God listen to my prayers and help me?

    A miracle happened in my family almost 10 years ago, when my mother became sick. She was diagnosed with thyroid cancer. The doctors gave her only 4 months to live. A friend of my mother's called her and heard what happened to her and right away send her plane tickets to come to the US and made her a doctor's appointment with one of the best doctor in MA. Months later the doctors operated on her and told her that she was going to live an average full life with cancer, because they couldn't remove the cancerous tumor in her vocal cords, because if they did she wouldn't be able to talk again they left it there. Now, after a lot of radiation and a little bit of chemo that tumor disappeared completely, that was a miracle...

    Now, my mother and me pray every night so I can resolve my problem. I won't question the way that God works. I won't ask him "Why did this happened to me?" Because I know everything happens for a reason.

     

    Mark 11:24 Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours.


Wednesday, 23 February 2011

  • Untitled: Destiny

    So, this is my destiny. soon I'll be gone, gone forever, my love. So please forgive me for what I'll do next. Don't mean to hurt you but it'll hurt a bit. I will fight to remain here, fight until the end, even when I'm gone. I'll be your silent companion, 'til the end we meet again. I wish things were different. I wish he'd see the good person that I am. I PRAY TO THE LORD TO HEAR MY CONCERNS AND ANSWER MY PRAYERS. Soon I'll meet my destiny, my love.

Monday, 22 November 2010

  • REASONS NOT TO KILL YOURSELF

    REASONS NOT TO KILL YOURSELF
    by Mari Collings ©


    Because you deserve to live.
    Because your life has value, whether or not you can see it,
    Because it was not your fault,
    Because you didn't choose to be battered and used,
    Because life itself is precious, because they were and are wrong,
    Because you are connected to each and every other ritual abuse survivor, and so your daily battle automatically gives others hope and strength.
    Because you will feel better, eventually
    Because each time you confront despair you get stronger .. you can't know now what you will ultimately be able to do with this new morsel of strength, what future battles you will be able to win,

    Because if you die today you will never again feel love for another human being, or trust, or gratitude; because you will never again see kindness and compassion in another's eyes.

    Because if you die today you will never again see sunlight pouring through the leaves of a tree, or a bird take flight, or feel the quality of light in winter,

    Because the seconds do not cease their passing, because even if it feels like time has become an unbearably heavy stone, it has not, and you only have to endure,

    Because you have already won .. you have known the cleverness and resiliency and courage and stubborn will to make it this far, and no one can take that away,

    Because the will to live is not a cruel punishment, even if it feels like that at times: it is a priceless gift.

    Because your inner children need you, they have no one else and their need is so great, and because they deserve more than anyone to be healed and comforted; they are true heroes against impossible odds.

    Because you owe your inner children, they are the reason you are here. If you die today you will erase the meaning of their suffering and incredible endurance, and that is too great a loss,

    Because you already have the skills to find your healing path; you have proven this over and over again,

    Because we need more warriors against this evil,

    Because we need survivors to offer testament against this horror and despair,

    Because no one knows better than you the meaning of suffering, and agony deepens the heart,

    Because you deserve the peace that will come after this battle is won, and it will be won, but only minute by minute .. we must learn to let go of the unconquerable,

    Because we can all come together in later years to laugh in their faces; because we will be able to show them that even though they had all the power and strength and ruthless cunning, even though we were only helpless, innocent, dependent children, we will have beaten them at the game they so smugly thought they had mastered,

    Because I am furious that we have to suffer the pain of another's evil and filth,

    Because you too will one day feel fury,

    Because it is critical that you survive.

    © Mari Collings

Monday, 25 October 2010

  • What If I Don't Want To Cut Myself Anymore, What Do I Do Instead?

    So you have decided to stop hurting yourself, but you still don't know how or what to do when you feel like cutting, here are some things you can do. We are all different so try everything at least once, because what might work for me might not work for you and vice versa, and when you try them write down whether it worked for you or not. The reason why I'm posting this is because this has helped me a whole lot. I haven't cut in over 7 months and I want to share this with you. Here we go:

     

    I don't want to hurt myself, so what do I do instead?

    Many people try substitute and report that sometimes they work, sometimes not.  One way to increase the chances of a distraction/substitution helping calm the urge to cut yourself is to match what you do to how you are feeling at the moment. First take a few minutes to look behind the urge:

    ~What are feeling?

    ~Restless?

    ~Are you angry?

    ~Frustrated?

    ~Sad?

    ~Craving The Feeling Of Self Injury?

    ~Depersonalized and unreal or numb?

    ~Unfocused?

    Next, match the activity to the feeling:

    So, if you are feeling angry, frustrated, restless

    *Try something physical and violent, something not directed to you and living things: Slash an empty plastic soda bottle or a piece of heavy cardboard or and old shirt or sock.

    *Make a soft cloth doll to represent the things you are angry at. Cut and tear it instead of yoursel.

    *Use a pillow to hit a wall, pillow fight style.

    *Rip up an old newspaper or phone book.

    *On a sketch or photo of yourself, mark in red ink what you want to do. cut and tear the picture.

    *Make play-Doh or other clay models and cut or smash them.

    *Throw ice into the bathtub or against a brick wall hard enough to shatter it.

    *Break Sticks.

    *Crank up the music and dance.

    *Clean your room (or your whole house).

    *Go for a walk/jog/run.

    *Stomp around in heavy shoes.

    *play handball or tennis.

     The author of this article have found that these things work even better if you rant at the thing you are cutting/tearing/hitting. The author start out slowly, explaining why I am hurt and angry, but sometimes end up swearing and crying and yelling. It helps a lot to vent like that.

     

    So, if you are feeling sad, soft, melancholy, depressed, unhappy

    Do something slow and soothing like:

    *Taking a hot bath with bath oil or bubbles.

    *Curling up under a comforter with hot cocoa and a good book.

    *Babying yourself somehow.

    *Listen to soothing music.

    *Smooth nice body lotion into the parts or yourself you want to hurt.

    *Call a friend and just talk about things that you like.

    *Make a tray of special treats and tuck yourself into bed and watch tv or read.

    *Visit A Friend.

    Do whatever makes you feel taken care of and comforted.

     

    So if you are craving sensation, depersonalized, dissociating, feeling unreal.

    Do something that creates a sharp physical sensation:

    *Squeeze ice hard (this really hurts).

    *Put a finger into a frozen food (like ice cream) for a minute.

    *Bite into a hot pepper or chew a piece of ginger root.

    *Rub liniment under your nose.

    *Slap a tabletop hard.

    *Snap your wrist with a rubber band.

    *Take cold bath.

    *Stomp your feet on the ground.

    *Focus on how it feels to breathe. Notice the way your chest and stomach move with each breath.

    NOTE: Some people report that being online while dissociating increases their sense of unreality; be cautious about logging on in a dissociative state until you know how it affects you.

     

    Wanting focus.

    *Do a task (a computer game like tetris or minesweeper, writing a computer program, needlework, etc...) that is exacting and requires focus and concentration.

    *Choose an object in the room. Examine it carefully and then write as detailed a description of it as you can. Include every thing: size, weight, texture, shape, color, possible uses, feel, etc.

    *Choose a random object, like a paper clip, and try to list 30 different uses for it.

    *Pick a subject and research it on the web.

    *Play online games.

     

    Wanting control.

    5/4/3/2/1

    If its control that you want to experience with self harm, this might help you. Try and name 5 things you can see, 4 things you can hear, 3 thing you can smell, 2 things you can touch and 1 thing you like about yourself.

     

    Wanting to see blood.

    *Draw on yourself with a red felt-tip pen.

    *Take a small water of of liquid red food coloring and warm it slightly by dropping into a cup of hot water for a few minutes. Uncap the bottle and press its tip against the place you want to cut. Draw the bottle into a cutting motion while squeezing it slightly to let the food color trickle out.

    *Draw on the areas you want to cut using ice that you've made by dropping six or seven drops of red food color into each of the ice-cube tray wells.

    *Paint yourself with red tempera paint.

     

    I tried all of that. I still want to hurt myself.

    Sometimes you will make a good-faith effort to keep from harming yourself but nothing seems to work. You've slashed a bottle, your hand is numb from the ice, and the urge is still twisting you into knots. You feel that if you don't harm yourself, you'll explode. What now?

    Answer this as honestly and in as much detail as you are able to right now. No one is going to see the answers except you, and lying to yourself is pretty pointless. If, in all honesty, you see no other answer to #8 but yes, then give yourself permission, but set definite limits. Do not allow the urges to control you; if you choose to give in to it, and then choose it. Decide beforehand exactly what you will allow yourself to do and how much is enough, and stick to those limits. Keep yourself as safe as you can while injuring yourself, and take responsibility for the injury.

    The questions:

    1.Why do I feel I need to hurt myself?

    2.What has brought me to this point?

    3.Have I been here before?

    4.What did I do to deal with it?

    5.How did I feel then?

    6.What have I done to ease this discomfort so far?

    7.What else can I do that won't hurt me?

    8.How do I feel right now?

    9.How will I feel when I am hurting myself?

    10.How will I feel after hurting myself?

    11.How will I feel tomorrow morning?

    12.Can I avoid this stressor or deal with it better in the future?

    13.Do I need to hurt myself?

     

    Source: http://www.palace.net/llama/psych/self.html <~> Check this site out. It has a lot of info and tips...

Wednesday, 05 May 2010

painfully_beautiful13

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    • Birthday: 5/6/1986
    • Gender: Female
    • Member Since: 2/14/2009

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    Where: Here When: 2009 6/25/2009:I turned 2 years clean (imported from memories)